the darkness has not overcome it

this weekend was full of good things.
friday night i went out to merlin's rest for drunken knit night. ( details )
also i had a good long talk with my wonderful ceci, who is now MARRIED to ben closs (CONGRATULATIONS!!!). my dad married them quick in my parents family room so that they could get arrangements made for being a military family on base when they move out to san fran. the "real" wedding will be out there.

saturday was the irish fair. i sorted and culled my knitting stash early in the morning, and stopped by jory and simona's before heading down and had a really nice couple of hours with them. i don't see enough of them. jory gave me a ride down to the fair, which was quite nice of him.
the best thing ever was finding out that my name in irish is "froach." this isn't exciting until you understand that it is pronounced "freak!" i can't stop laughing about that. i got a flask i've been wanting forever, but mostly i listened to music (the tannahill weavers and mcinnis' kitchen impressed me a lot)and talked to people i didn't know. i hung out with ryan a bit and he introduced me to some gamers i hadn't met before. they seemed very cool, and like they might liven up the game quite a bit. i might have to go check it out to see.
i got a call from ross saying he was going to be home for a bit so i ran home to catch some time with him. we had dinner together and then i went back to the guthrie with him to see the show. ( more details )

sunday i went and checked out a new church. ross pointed out a umc church that is even closer to me than the one i was going to and dissatisfied with. i could probably bike there if i wanted to end up at church all gross and sweaty. i am so glad i went. it is a mostly older crowd, but there was a baptism and a youth scholarship presentation, so it's not all old. the people were super-friendly and welcoming and came and introduced themselves, but not in a you're-new-we'll-put-you-in-the-spotlight kind of way. the pastor is a big teddy-bear of a man and made an appointment to meet with me and show me around the church and such in the future. i had a nice chat with him.
most of all. they need me. a woman went out of her way to come sit by me and tell me how much they need someone to help with the youth. she said she had been praying about it and when i showed up (a younger person with a christian education)she took the opportunity to tell me all about it in case i'm willing. she also practically invited me to join her bluegrass band without an audition(which was quite flattering, although i haven't heard them yet either)...i'm not sure how much i can help. i'm really hoping to get a job that might take my time on sundays and wednesday nights. but i can't read the future and maybe i'll get a different job instead. what i do know is that people seemed ready to use my skills and be my friend at this church. something i was missing at the other place. i will definitely go back. this place feels like a answer to what i have been praying for in a lot of ways. i just need to feel it out a little bit (in order to believe it is what it seems), and do some discernment work to figure out what i can give them.

i got to talk with xerotic for a good long while and catch up (and threaten to steal his booty since he threatened to deny me booty in the first place - it's only fair). it is always awesome to talk with the surma.
and i got a message from the cat lady. she is hoping we can come out tonight to see if we want one of her kittens!!!! that would be so awesome in every way.
it seems like way more happened this weekend than could possibly fit into a weekend. i am back at my morning crunches again (although only 60 this morning), but so far that is the only thing good about the weekend being over. i would like another 2 days, please.

i'm fasting for lent.
at home and with my girls is where i feel the love of God these days, not at church.

i'm having such trouble with my church right now that i don't feel connected to the love of God at all there right now. i've thought about writing to the senior pastor, but he has already talked to me about my personal issues with him. he is a stumbling block for me in his lack of welcome to communion. he has heard me and does not seem to care. what he says is that, "i just don't understand why anyone would want to come to communion who didn't want to know christ better." i look at my younger self, who had no understanding really of why christ was important and say, "it doesn't matter if you understand or not. it only matters that the table be open unconditionally. completely unconditionally. God puts no conditions on his love for us." and the congregation wants me to fit their minnesota mold where nobody shares their nastier selves in favor of pretending they are all good christians. christ was the only good christian. everyone else just tries.
i am having trouble belonging to a church that doesn't help me feel like i belong. i resent the idea that some of my feelings are 'not okay" there and that they have no tolerance for the darker side of human nature. to me that means they deny their own sinfulness.
i went and joined choir for a while to try to get to know people better.
the choir is pretty good musically, and they do interesting music. but they are all made of stone.
there is no sense of community between the choir. or if there is, i'm shut out of it. the people who like me still keep me at arms length. they come and say nice things like, "heather i'm so glad you're here." but i know that they have no idea who i am. and that's really the problem in general. i think the church doesn't know me and doesn't want to know me, except for maybe 3 or 4 people. and that's not enough for me. i want to feel like i have friends in church. i want to feel like there is real caring that doesn't shrink from real feelings and knows and understands that God has a sense of humor. i blame methodism and i blame minnesota and probably myself for not being more charming and wonderful. and yet God is supposed to love you when you are not charming and wonderful. and a methodist church in minnesota is what i want.
there are a lot of things i like about my church. i like how progressive it is. i like that it does a lot. i like...maybe 4 or 5 people there who i feel have let me in. but i feel like they are all afraid to argue with me. how can the embodiment of christ be afraid to argue when there is so much to argue about?!
and i have this entitled idea like there should be a church within 5 miles of me that is good and real and full of discipleship.
i'm not ready to give up on this place yet, but i do not rule it out.