the darkness has not overcome it

my back continues to cause me less pain for greater amounts of time. i am completely off the heavy drugs. i am mostly off the alleve.
even went to the gym yesterday and did a half-hour on the elliptical, cool down around the track and some short time with the weight machines. mostly i'm just avoiding twisting motions or heavy lifting.
good stuff.

it is a beautiful day today in the twin cities. it is predicted that today will be the first day reaching 80 degrees since last september. i really wanted to ride my bike to work today...but i need to take the time to fill my tires and get a bike lock that can handle the super-thick locking options i have at 3m. also i didn't get up early enough.
also savil needed some serious butt-trimming this morning(yuck). she didn't let me finish, but she is much less matted & stinky than previously. i think i'm going to need someone to hold her for me to finish.

the routine of working the same daily hours has been good for me to get back to. having a schedule stabilizes me a lot. i'm taking the down-time i need, but i've also been making a point of getting at least SOME chores done around the house every day. it is going a long way toward keeping me sane and keeping the house clean. especially since ross isn't around to help much.

he woke me at 4am this morning to tell me he had a great night at work and everything was coming together and he missed me. and bless him, i WANT him to wake me to tell me things like that. but i could NOT get back to sleep afterward, and i wasn't sleeping well BEFORE he woke me, so i'm feeling it today.

i had a long talk with ceci last night and then my parents.
it was good to re-connect with all of them. i have been so run-down by trying to do too much, and i have been neglecting the people i try to keep in contact with by phone. i miss ross, and i miss doing things with him, but i also feel like his being at work so much is giving me a chance to breathe. i think i need to figure out how to stop sacrificing my down-time so much, especially since he really doesn't need me to (he has said so). the distance gives me time to reflect. it just seems funny that i should need so badly to reflect on such basic things.
it isn't that i'm not being social though. returning long distance phone calls counts as social for me.
also i've been seeing lots of susan lately, which is lovely, going to knitting/spinning groups and today i am getting together with victoria, who i'm not sure i've mentioned before here. she's way cool. i met her on the knitting camping trip last fall. she just had her NINTH baby! most of her pregnancies happened while she was on birth control and there was one set of twins, so don't judge her as another octomom. also she's married and stable.
she's also very funny and creative and cool to be with. i quite like her.
tomorrow is getting together with marie for spinning/knitting whatever and saturday i will be hanging out with christa and ross before he has to go to work in the evening.

i am still enjoying gregory frost - i'm on his second shadowbridge book now, lord tophet. i continue to be pleased with this new find. they have some of the feel of neil gaiman's neverwhere - without neil's darkness. we'll see if this one ends better than the last one.

also i still have not seen watchmen and am put out about it. i was going to see it with ross, but he has no time now and every one else has already seen it.
i have been re-watching the 10th kingdom. the logical result of this is that i have THE TROLL version of saturday night fever going around in my head endlessly. i am simultaneously amused and annoyed.

the vet called and said that savil is fine and that i can pick her up tomorrow at 10am.

my boss let everybody out of work early.

my friend corrin is coming over after work so that we can go look for pants for my interview.

my letter to my dad is finished. it's only 4 pages long, but i knew i was done when i was making myself cry with what i was writing. i'm not sending it to my sister for scrapbooking yet though. i don't want her to have time to steal my ideas.

we have decided on names for the little beasties.
( kitten update within )

i got some spinning and plying done this weekend and wound up with 2 more skeins of handspun. i'd like to get 7 of them before i start my sweater...but i really should weigh them. the pattern calls for 2.2 lbs, but doesn't give any yardage.
also got some work done on the fawkes socks. it seems like every sock pattern i knit has a different heel and i don't know the names for any of them except that the wrap n' turn heel is one version of a short-row heel. i would like very much to have names to keep them all separate in my mind. i definitely like the short-rows. my feet are wide, but my heels are narrow, and i like the snug fit around them.

as far as the job situation goes, i go back and forth between acceptance of my situation and shock. i'm supposed to be training my replacement this week, but i haven't met her yet, and i'm not eager to do so. i'm doing it because i care about my co-workers and don't want them left to clean up her mess - not because i'm an altruist.
and i think about what i'm going to do next. i sent in an updated resume to the contracting company and applied for one position online yesterday. also found a couple of others that look alright.
the thing is that i've never found a job i like. and i went to seminary partly because i thought if i couldn't do something i liked, at least i could do something meaningful...but i'm starting to wonder, what if that's not enough. what if meaning isn't enough? what if i need to actually like what i do to find satisfaction at work?
i have kind a "grit your teeth and bear it" attitude about the parts of my job i dont' like. i get through it, but i don't like it and i have this crazy idea that i shouldn't have to hate what i do...or even a large part of what i do. and i can't help but wonder if this isn't part of why i haven't had more luck getting a job i want....because i'm never sure that it's going to be something i love - because i haven't done it before - and because part of what i hate is selling myself.
how do ya'll handle this when you are in that position? do you like what you do?

finances are a concern with me being laid off and i feel a lot of pressure to get a job NOW. the kittens were expensive. getting them fixed will be expensive. the medical bills from this summer and fixing ross's motorcycle and my car was expensive. plane tickets to dc are expensive. xmas is expensive.
and this morning my phone wouldn't turn on. i have asked ross to look at it while i'm gone today because he's amazing. if you have called me and i don't call you back - it is because it still won't turn on. i am trying not to worry about any of this and just not spend anything.