still mad

[2eclipse]

i'm still mad at my friend.
i love her. we have been friends since we were 12. that is a long time.
but i want reparation.
i want her to apologize for hurting me and acting like my abusive ex-fiance.
i want her to tell me she understand that bitching me out for 20 minutes after i've acknowledged my bad judgment is not okay and humbly ask my forgiveness.

i'm not going to get it.
i'm still so angry i want to staple her to something uncomfortable until she can tell me exactly why i'm so hurt by what she did.

i wrote her an e-mail and didn't send it. i know better than to trust myself right now. it is a rough draft and she will get it only after i've cleared it of landmines (with the help of others).

my question for ya'll in the meantime is: what do you do when you're angry like this with a friend/sister/brother? how do you purge your anger? what do you do when you're pretty sure you're 80% right, but your habit is to stick up for yourself only 20%? what do you do when waiting for time to take care of it doesn't feel like enough?

Comments

me angry activities

[madjulyin.livejournal.com]

I take a nice shower, sing- it can be happy stuff or angry cussing venomous songs, baking, channeling all the angry energy into some sort of art work like a painting or soapmaking, sometimes going outside and having some scream therapy works too. :)

Re: me angry activities

[mirage897.livejournal.com]

Wow, chanelling your negative energy into something positive? I am really impressed. I don't think I can do that (and I can't bake anyway, lol!)

Re: me angry activities

[2eclipse.livejournal.com]

the shower is a good idea.
so is a work-out (which i will get in spades tomorrow).
the creative stuff.....i'm sure it would be effective.
but don't you worry that the things you create will be effected by the negative feelings you exude?

[johnkeats.livejournal.com]

I have been in situations like this before and it is
frustrating. I think it comes down to how often it
happens and how important the relationship is to you.
There is a woman I know who is like a sister to me who
every few years will go on a rant where I feel it is
overboard like in your case. It angers me but I know
it will pass and the friendship is worth it to me so
I let it go. Were it happening every week or if we were
not so close it might well be worth it to stand up and
comment. In the end it is about your emotional well being.
Will this be something that festers and spoils the
friendship over time? If it is then I would say something.
This was probably not all that helpful on rereading what
I wrote but I hope it works out whatever you decide.

[mirage897.livejournal.com]

Writting nasty emails and then never sending helps me a little. I think I like mostly to vent to other people. LJ can be helpful if I feel that people are reading my entries and considering them appropriately.

I used to have a *really* bad habit of badgering people if my feelings were really hurt after they apologized. It was so annoying. It took me a while but I just had to learn to keep my feelings in check once somebody said they were sorry. I mean, how much more can they do in most instances? I guess I learned if I was still upset after the apology I needed to get myself out of the situation and vent to someone else or some way else (such as writting but not sending the aforementioned nasty-grams)

[2eclipse.livejournal.com]

how did you overcome this tendency in yourself?

[mirage897.livejournal.com]

I first had to realize how destructive it could be, particuarly in my romantic relationshiops which were more tentative generally when I was younger.

Then I had to get over this kind of "extreme honesty is best" tendency I had inside myself. I was never into being just rude and hidding it under a veil of extreme honesty but as I said when I was upset with someone I let them know again...and again...and again until I had vented all of my frustration. I had to realize that true honesty doesn't work like that and doesn't involve dumping on people.

Once I came to those realizations I just had to learn to bite the bullet when I was upset and say it one time and then walk away. It wasn't easy to change 8 years ago and it still isn't easy now but like most good habits they get easier the more you do them.

Sorry for the longwinded answer.

[ashoe.livejournal.com]

"Once I came to those realizations I just had to learn to bite the bullet when I was upset and say it one time and then walk away. It wasn't easy to change 8 years ago and it still isn't easy now but like most good habits they get easier the more you do them."

I almost always go by the 'least said, soonest mended' method, but every now and again, if someone does something I find truly upsetting, I'll bite that bullet and say "Hi. I'm mad. Here is why."

I've only had to do it twice in the last few years, but both times it's gotten very positive results. Direct works - but oh, it's so stressful!

[sooper.livejournal.com]

I have a similar issue right now, and I'm not entirely sure how to deal with it, because it isn't one incident, more of a string of little things that I just haven't felt like it's worth the drama to push the issue, but something happened over the weekend that was one that really bothered me. I partly haven't said anything to them because I'm honestly still trying to be a little introspective and figure out WHY it bothers me as much as it does.

Wow, that was vague.

[dimfuture.livejournal.com]

I usually let it stew until I can work out in my mind a way that I can express my anger calmly (i.e. control it) and let them know exactly what I think they did wrong. Sometimes this can take days or weeks. Losing it at someone too often means that they lose it right back instead of listening.

[2eclipse.livejournal.com]

this is a big part of what i'm trying to do with that letter i wrote.
i didn't send it. i saved it. in part it is useful for me to put things down in writing so that i can re-read it and understand myself better and state more clearly what i actually mean.

[pixiecup.livejournal.com]

here's what sometimes helps me:

remember that no one else is responsible for your feelings.
don't take it personally.

or the four agreements can apply here, too:

Be impeccable with your word. Don't take anything personally. Don't make assumptions. Always do your best.

and then you can always decide that relating with this friend isn't helpful or healthy for you right now, too. and then try not to wield that toward her like a large stick, with anger.

that sort of berating would be really upsetting to me, too.

[2eclipse.livejournal.com]

how very buddhist of you.
you have a point.
but i'm also not just going to give up on a deep 21 year old friendship.
the buddhist ideal is to separate yourself from the world and have no attachments so that you cannot be damaged. this is an ethic i respect, but it is not what i want.
i want to be attached to people. i find the impersonal love i feel when i am detached from people less fulfilling and enriching that the love i feel when i am deeply attached and involved. i kinda feel like if i can't have that deep attachment there is little or no point in friendship for me.
as a result, my friends have a great deal of power over me and can hurt me, and it is personal. i want them to be able to do this. i also want them to choose not to. this is a big source of energy for growth for both them and me. :)
that being said. you are completely right about assumptions. the letter i wrote to her includes acknowledgement that she has her own perspectives and that i want to hear them so that we can work out a way for this not to happen again.

[tyratae.livejournal.com]

i've found that my angry gauge for how much time is the right amount of "waiting for time to take care of it" and how much time it usually takes often don't match up, so when i'm sick of waiting and still angry, that's when it's time to remind myself that i'm probably wrong, again, about the actual scope of the issue, & if i wait twice as long i'll probably be much closer to over it.

then i go find some smutty tv or horrible movie or cheesy book & bury my drama under a layer of somebody else's more extreme drama. by the time i get back to mine, i'm usually in a more reasonable place about it. b/c even 80% right might not be worth a row, not if, instead, in a week or two, it can be dealt with in a conversation instead (and it sounds like you're not the only one who's mad--letting her have time to get some distance from her upset will make "reasonable" much easier to get ahold of later!).

[2eclipse.livejournal.com]

this sounds like truly excellent advice.
thanks.

[ashoe.livejournal.com]

I agree that it's going to come down to how important the relationship is to you - and perhaps, to her as well. If you both feel wronged, you're either going to have to just agree to disagree and try to move past it, or somebody is going to have to give in and apologize. The trouble is, if that person genuinely doesn't think they were wrong - it's an empty gesture.

I agree that you aren't likely to get a humble pardon-begging reaction. If I understand the issue, you were both wrong - you upset her without intending to, and she ignored your apology and went on a tirade. Everybody has now hurt everybody else, intentionally or otherwise...and if you value the friendship enough, you may just have to let it go and hope time heals over the wound.

Looking back at my life, I've had serious rifts with people that cost me friendships...and yet, in most cases, I cannot now recall what the rift was about. I hope things work out for you and your friend, with so many years invested, I'd hate to see you lose the friendship. :(

good luck, and hugs!

[plsurkity.livejournal.com]

it really depends on the situation, i think. personally, i have a goodly rant in a private place, or i knit it out of my system. one really awesome knitting trick is to knit up little swatches of any leftover yarn after a project and just keep them in a box. don't bother binding them off. then, in moments like these, you can crack into your box and just tear apart the swatch in total anger, getting it all out of your system. it's really great if you're into visuals, and the yarn is red. gives it a bit of a "the blood of my enemies" vibe. niiiice.

channeling anger into something positive only works well if you have a grasp on the anger in the first place. in situations where the anger is coupled with doubt, pain or fear in social situations, (i.e. friends, family and the like) simply channeling often becomes more like repression, and there are moments in any friendship where things must be delt with lest they build up like plaque in an artery.

my advice is to let the situation cool off, but don't just sweep it aside. when you feel that the two of you can disucss it like adults, tell her honestly, but without any venom or snark (that's the hardest part for me!) why how she said what she said hurt you. not why her words hurt, but why HOW she said it hurt. how it was bordering on abusive, and harkened to abused times in your life. it may be that she does not currently see or understand that the how and why hurt you as deeply as it has, and her own frustration with the situation may be blocking her from seeing it differently. only time will tell, right?

i hope that the two of you are able to work things out, given the length of your friendship. if not, just remember that everything has a season, and people grow and change. but, regardless of the length of your friendship, abusive behavior is simply not ok. i hope that the two of you can come out of this in a healthy way. *hugs*

Not My Forte

[durlindana.livejournal.com]

As I tend to be a 'blame myself first' type of person (if some conflict arises, the first question I tend to ask myself is "What have I done to contribute to this negative situation, and what can I do to make it better?"), but if I know (after due reflection) that the other person is largely (not necessarily entirely) to blame, then the next step becomes doing my best to change my perspective in order to better understand what it is about that other person that made/prompted them to act that way. Note that this step doesn't involve any kind of forgiveness, merely the desire for better understanding. For example, it's possible that such reflection could lead me to conclude that the other person acted as he did because, in the end, he's an egotistical asshole with a persecution complex who can't stand to receive only due credit for his work. Then again, it may because his own history of woundedness has trained him to lash out at any perceived slight, whether real or imagined.

In any case, the question of forgiveness / making amends doesn't arise until after this 'forensic' inquiry is done. I've found that such inquiry often does a good job of resolving my own hurt and anger. At the very least, it clarifies them, and helps me to strip away their unproductive aspects. They don't necessarily go away; I'm often still angry and hurt afterwards, but now they're things that I feel I can use productively.

Such productive use might be providing me the energy to sever the relationship. It might be giving me the energy to invest a little work in repairing it, and provide the foundation of figuring out how best to do that.

Of course, now the variable of the other person comes to the fore, since the success / satisfaction of whatever I do is at least partially contingent upon the other person's reaction to my efforts at resolution. But there's not much I can do about that, beyond attempting to present / frame my efforts in a way more conducive to producing the desired reaction. Here again, the 'forensic' inquiry is helpful. And, in the end, whatever the other person does simply tells me more about them.

Anyway, in situations of justified anger (i.e. I'm pretty sure that my anger is due to a legitimate slight and is thus licit), I've found that it's generally best to *not* go into the resolution effort 'hot' or still fuming. To draw a clumsy metaphor, you generally don't want to go into battle with a weapon fresh from the forge and still glowing; you might get the satisfaction of burning the enemy a bit, but in the end you probably won't accomplish your goal. The best weapons are cooled, honed, and sharpened before ever being put to use. This is one of the things that the 'forensic' work tends to do for me; it allows me to hone and refine my hurt such that it might actually become useful.

Some people might react best to having the heat of the hurt they have inflicted thrown right back at them, but in my experience doing so is generally unproductive. It tends to be merely frictive, which is to say that it can produce lots of heat but rarely leads to light. It can be nice to vent, though.

But anyway, for me answering the question 'What should I do?' productively generally requires the process of 'forensic cooling' outlined above. If, after that process, the relationship is something that you want / have to preserve and the situation is nonetheless unacceptable to you, then your job becomes figuring out how best to present your objection(s) to the person in question in such a way as to resolve / amend the conflict while preserving (or, better, improving) the relationship.

Sorry if this has been too abstract or generalized to be of much help, but as you know I'm a rather theoretical thinker. And besides, I don't know the particular person in question or the situation of conflict well enough to comment more specifically.