weekend eventfulness...and lack thereof

[2eclipse]

so i had my sleep study on friday.
i was nervous. i got to see ross for about a hour before i left because he had to work late. he is feeling sick and i am concerned for him.

the sleep study they put wires on my legs and shoulders and all over my head and rubbed my skin raw beforehand in order to get the sensors to stick. that part hurt. it also was uncomfortable to put my head back because there was a sensor right where i normally rest my head. kinda like having a small stone between you and your pillow. i mostly sleep on my sides and stomach anyway, but it was still annoying. they also put a lot of gak in my hair to get the sensors to stay. that also sucked.
my tech was great though. his name was andrew and he was from kenya. we talked about politics in kenya and other countries and he told me i should run for public office. *cha* as if an unapologetic pascifist could EVER get elected for anything in this country. followed, yes. elected, no.
it was still flattering. we joked a lot and it helped me relax.
we ran through a bunch of tests so he could be sure his equipment was working properly and he said he would be watching me, listening and monitoring me. i only had to speak if i woke up and needed something. if i stopped breathing, he would put the mask on me for the c-pap machine.
i woke up without it, so i guess i don't have sleep apnea (which i pretty much figured). he said i didn't give him what he was looking for, although i snored and my readings show i'm definiately NOT getting good sleep. he wasn't allowed to tell me more than that - the doctor gets to do that tomorrow - but i'm guessing he was looking for sleep apnea. for my part, i am quite pleased not to have it. my experience of my problem is in my sinuses, not my throat, and it is nice to have medical verification that my problem is where i think it is.
they wake you early for these things and that's annoying. you run through the tests again before they unhook you. then i went home, showered, watched some movies with ross and napped. the shower failed to remove the gak from my hair so i was messing with it and combing it out most of the day. my head still itches a lot. it was a good day with ross, but we were both tired. we were supposed to go to a party at oneonajourney's...and i was really sorry to miss it, but ross was feeling ill and has serious tech craziness for the rest of the week.

i have been thinking a lot about his role as my best friend. there are some ways in which a man can never take the place of a close friend. illusionstar, dana sterling, cecilia duran and eileen yun will always share the title "best friend" in a way a man cannot touch for me. men can empathize, but they cannot sypathize the experience of being female and dealing with life AS a female...just as i will never replace or meet ross's need for close male companionship. i find i need my close girlfriends more as i grow older instead of less. i don't need to talk to them every day, but i need to know they are there - and they always are.
yet in a very real way ross is also my "best" friend. i think of myself as a very trusting person and i think i seem that way to others....but if i am honest with myself, this is only true in relationships where i am not romantically involved. i try to give strangers the benefit of the doubt...but i find it difficult to give that benefit to someone i am intimate with. baggage from my past, i guess. i've been burned so badly, it's just hard for me to trust anyone has my best interest at heart when we are dealing with such intimate things as you deal with in a romantic relationship.
as with so many other things, ross proves to be an exception in this. again and again i push him and he remains firmly loving, keeps his integrity, stands his ground - but listens without judging, explains things to change my perspective - or changes his own...and i feel my hard protective shell crumble. and in response i work to change myself, better myself and better our relationship like i have for no one else. i can be my crummy, judgemental, impatient worst around him and not be afraid (too afraid anyway) that he will just throw up his hands and walk away. i can be ugly and selfish and know that there are parts of him that are also ugly and selfish and that we are in this relationship to work on those together. and i am continually amazed at feeling trust in him that previously i have only felt for friends. amazed at my brazen lack of fear. amazed that i get to spend the rest of my life with my best friend.
yesterday it rained all day. i decided it was a perfect day to spend at the library. i left while ross was still sleeping and headed over. it was exactly the right thing for me to do. i picked up a biography of abigail adams, a biography of johannes kepler (and his mother who was apparently tried as a witch!), the first sharing knife book by louis mcmaster bujold, the sequal to a chris wooding book i read last winter, and changing plains by ursula leguin. not a bad haul.
i had hoped to have susan over for dinner, but she didn't return my phone calls. so i made tortellini and a wine sauce with fresh garlic, roasted red peppers and sun-dried tomatoes. i chatted with my parents about all kinds of theology. it was lovely.
i found a UNITED METHODIST MONASTARY about an hour from where i live, up near eltanin in st. joseph minnesota. i didn't know there was such a thing. i am very keen to go visit and drag my folks up there the next time they are here. they have a program for oblates. i wonder how impractical it would be for me to become an oblate to a place an hour away... also i found out about a new theologian i want to explore, sister joan chittester, a benedictine nun in erie, pa who practices disobediance as obediance and advocates for catholic conversation about ordination of women. very enticing. i meant to look for one of her books at the library, but i forgot.
today i have my phone interview with progressivefuture. wish me luck.

friday it was 60 out. my daffodils are beginning to come up.
saturday it was in the high 50's.
sunday it rained all day.
today it is snowing.
more snow/rain predicted for the rest of the week. sigh....go figure.

Comments

[spiralshell.livejournal.com]

You had quite an eventful weekend! :)

The way you write about your relationship with Ross is very moving. You are both lucky to have found each other! :)

[2eclipse.livejournal.com]

thanks.
i agree that we are lucky. i blame God. ...and our friend ashoe, who introduced us.

i would LOVE for you to come out and meet him....and get soaked in our hot tub and a backstage tour of the guthrie and spoiled as much as we can arrange.