looking up...
Sep. 17th, 2004 03:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
2eclipseis something people rarely do
figuratively or literally. i have been making a concerted effort to not stay focused on my own issues this week and it has helped a lot.
i don't know what i would do right now if i couldn't be in school. i get so much of my sense of self-worth from proving to myself that i'm not dumb. and it gives me so much to think about. there's nothing like a good brain-stretching when you feel like you are on an emotional roller-coaster.
today i am very much in love with my systematics professor/degree adviser, kendall soulen. the man is quite simply a genius. he articulates easily even the points of view he doesn't agree with. it is one of the best classes i have ever had, and i have had a lot of fabulous classes.
last night we talked about particularism, inclusivism and pluralism as paradigms for understanding ultimate reality. wow. i am a lot less open-minded than i've always thought i was, but so is everyone else even if they don't know it.
because everyone takes a position about reality. we have to. and there will always be people who agree or disagree with you, and are thereby included or excluded by your view. kendall soulen has a really complicated religious way of applying this and explaining it that i really like.
so i am stimulated as hell and kind of disturbed because my inclinations are to be inclusive. i spent my summer involved in interfaith work. i believe that no one person or religion has a monopoly on the truth, including my own. but i also believe in the truth of my own faith, i have to stand for something and against something in order for my faith to have any significance (and mesh with my concept of reality). it is a problem that i have been struggling with for a long time...and while it is satisfying to struggle, i will need to come up with an answer this year, or at least enough of one to write my credo paper (40+ pages of "this is what heather believes as of now").
i guess going through a break-up is a good time for anyone to do some serious soul-searching. i went to a counselor with z this week and it was extremely productive and extremely frustrating. productive because i learned some important things, frustrating because the counselor (who is a friend of the family and REALLY fantastic) is focused on fixing things, while i am focused on ending things....okay maybe understanding them to, but i am also determined that as wonderful as he is, i am not going back to z. and my mother put me on a huge guilt trip beforehand, which didn't help. i have a nasty tendency to get so wrapped up in other people's feelings that i forget to pay attention to my own.
so i high-tailed it over to abby's. abby is a godsend. i have not made such a friend in years. her man is pretty kick-ass too.
speaking of which, i have added people to my friend's list that i have met through her, or think i need to know better. i hope no one minds.
figuratively or literally. i have been making a concerted effort to not stay focused on my own issues this week and it has helped a lot.
i don't know what i would do right now if i couldn't be in school. i get so much of my sense of self-worth from proving to myself that i'm not dumb. and it gives me so much to think about. there's nothing like a good brain-stretching when you feel like you are on an emotional roller-coaster.
today i am very much in love with my systematics professor/degree adviser, kendall soulen. the man is quite simply a genius. he articulates easily even the points of view he doesn't agree with. it is one of the best classes i have ever had, and i have had a lot of fabulous classes.
last night we talked about particularism, inclusivism and pluralism as paradigms for understanding ultimate reality. wow. i am a lot less open-minded than i've always thought i was, but so is everyone else even if they don't know it.
because everyone takes a position about reality. we have to. and there will always be people who agree or disagree with you, and are thereby included or excluded by your view. kendall soulen has a really complicated religious way of applying this and explaining it that i really like.
so i am stimulated as hell and kind of disturbed because my inclinations are to be inclusive. i spent my summer involved in interfaith work. i believe that no one person or religion has a monopoly on the truth, including my own. but i also believe in the truth of my own faith, i have to stand for something and against something in order for my faith to have any significance (and mesh with my concept of reality). it is a problem that i have been struggling with for a long time...and while it is satisfying to struggle, i will need to come up with an answer this year, or at least enough of one to write my credo paper (40+ pages of "this is what heather believes as of now").
i guess going through a break-up is a good time for anyone to do some serious soul-searching. i went to a counselor with z this week and it was extremely productive and extremely frustrating. productive because i learned some important things, frustrating because the counselor (who is a friend of the family and REALLY fantastic) is focused on fixing things, while i am focused on ending things....okay maybe understanding them to, but i am also determined that as wonderful as he is, i am not going back to z. and my mother put me on a huge guilt trip beforehand, which didn't help. i have a nasty tendency to get so wrapped up in other people's feelings that i forget to pay attention to my own.
so i high-tailed it over to abby's. abby is a godsend. i have not made such a friend in years. her man is pretty kick-ass too.
speaking of which, i have added people to my friend's list that i have met through her, or think i need to know better. i hope no one minds.
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(no subject)
Date: 2007-07-20 06:51 pm (UTC)Being sick was a very different way of facing death than any I'd experienced prior. I've faced people trying to kill me, and I've faced things done to me that could have turned into death. But the prior data had all been the direct sort - where there was someone or something you could actually fight, focus on. Even most injuries are like that. I've given myself stitches before, because it is right there, in front of you, and there are actions you can take, bits of experience you can control. Being sick was different. There was something wrong, no one could figure out what it was, and it was killing me. There didn't seem to be a damn thing I could do about it - and that was really hard to wrap my head around. I learned what apathy was, for a bit of it - and that was one of the most disgusting emotional states I have ever tasted. And I hope to never find it again. It burned me down to my core, I think, and some of the things I had learned to do to deal with the world are gone now. They feel like a waste of time, some of them. I can still do diplomacy, when it feels worth it - but I've lost a lot of skill with day to day social lubrication. So many of the games seem pointless.
As far as how I directly view myself? In the end I came out of it stronger. Learned something else I can actually face and not go insane. I learned that I could, in fact, continue to function and even respect myself when I couldn't move "properly" - and that there is enough mind and spirit here to make up for losing the capacity to be a physical guardian, if it ever again comes down to that.
It was a lesson I sorely needed to learn.
There's more floating around, but I'm probably going to overflow this comments field if I keep train-of-thoughting about it.
*chuckles* From what I know of the origins of Christianity, it began, in part, as a problem with authority - or such was expressed quite thoroughly, in the beginning - so you should be in good company with that.
Congratulations on qualifying, so far, as religiously/spiritually sane in my paradigym - dubious honor, by some assessments - but so far, you have it.
The church has wounded so many. I'm just glad I've met wounded who, like me, are willing to keep their minds open to the chance of good within that which hurt them.