Not so much a warning, in your case, I don't think. There's enough of substance and interest and vibrancy in you that I don't think you'll end up being one of the children's puzzles some people turn out to be. And that statement is not meant as anything egotistical, it's just... often true. Bleagh.
Being sick was a very different way of facing death than any I'd experienced prior. I've faced people trying to kill me, and I've faced things done to me that could have turned into death. But the prior data had all been the direct sort - where there was someone or something you could actually fight, focus on. Even most injuries are like that. I've given myself stitches before, because it is right there, in front of you, and there are actions you can take, bits of experience you can control. Being sick was different. There was something wrong, no one could figure out what it was, and it was killing me. There didn't seem to be a damn thing I could do about it - and that was really hard to wrap my head around. I learned what apathy was, for a bit of it - and that was one of the most disgusting emotional states I have ever tasted. And I hope to never find it again. It burned me down to my core, I think, and some of the things I had learned to do to deal with the world are gone now. They feel like a waste of time, some of them. I can still do diplomacy, when it feels worth it - but I've lost a lot of skill with day to day social lubrication. So many of the games seem pointless. As far as how I directly view myself? In the end I came out of it stronger. Learned something else I can actually face and not go insane. I learned that I could, in fact, continue to function and even respect myself when I couldn't move "properly" - and that there is enough mind and spirit here to make up for losing the capacity to be a physical guardian, if it ever again comes down to that. It was a lesson I sorely needed to learn. There's more floating around, but I'm probably going to overflow this comments field if I keep train-of-thoughting about it.
*chuckles* From what I know of the origins of Christianity, it began, in part, as a problem with authority - or such was expressed quite thoroughly, in the beginning - so you should be in good company with that. Congratulations on qualifying, so far, as religiously/spiritually sane in my paradigym - dubious honor, by some assessments - but so far, you have it.
The church has wounded so many. I'm just glad I've met wounded who, like me, are willing to keep their minds open to the chance of good within that which hurt them.
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Date: 2007-07-20 06:51 pm (UTC)Being sick was a very different way of facing death than any I'd experienced prior. I've faced people trying to kill me, and I've faced things done to me that could have turned into death. But the prior data had all been the direct sort - where there was someone or something you could actually fight, focus on. Even most injuries are like that. I've given myself stitches before, because it is right there, in front of you, and there are actions you can take, bits of experience you can control. Being sick was different. There was something wrong, no one could figure out what it was, and it was killing me. There didn't seem to be a damn thing I could do about it - and that was really hard to wrap my head around. I learned what apathy was, for a bit of it - and that was one of the most disgusting emotional states I have ever tasted. And I hope to never find it again. It burned me down to my core, I think, and some of the things I had learned to do to deal with the world are gone now. They feel like a waste of time, some of them. I can still do diplomacy, when it feels worth it - but I've lost a lot of skill with day to day social lubrication. So many of the games seem pointless.
As far as how I directly view myself? In the end I came out of it stronger. Learned something else I can actually face and not go insane. I learned that I could, in fact, continue to function and even respect myself when I couldn't move "properly" - and that there is enough mind and spirit here to make up for losing the capacity to be a physical guardian, if it ever again comes down to that.
It was a lesson I sorely needed to learn.
There's more floating around, but I'm probably going to overflow this comments field if I keep train-of-thoughting about it.
*chuckles* From what I know of the origins of Christianity, it began, in part, as a problem with authority - or such was expressed quite thoroughly, in the beginning - so you should be in good company with that.
Congratulations on qualifying, so far, as religiously/spiritually sane in my paradigym - dubious honor, by some assessments - but so far, you have it.
The church has wounded so many. I'm just glad I've met wounded who, like me, are willing to keep their minds open to the chance of good within that which hurt them.