not quite ready for fantasy

[2eclipse]

too much real drama going on to be interested in making up my own for the moment.
some of you already know this, but i broke up with z this week.
it has been a long time in coming. things haven't been the same since i moved back to virginia.

seminary has changed me unimaginably in a year. in ways that please me. but z didn't take an interest in the changes. i have been talking to him about my fears and problems for about nine months, but neither of us took the issues as seriously as we should have. denial is a powerful thing. i am sorry to lose all that is wonderful about him. this has been the first successful relationship of my life and i still love him. but not enough to wait for him to change.
there are more details....but they are too personal to talk about in a blog.
suffice to say that i am in a bit of a limbo state right now trying to get z to accept that i really do mean it. and trying to treat him decently. he is a good man and a real catch for the right girl.

the rest of my life is joyful. friends i hadn't even realized i could count on have reached out to me. old friends that i did know i could count on have given me sound advice in ways that haven't scared me or made me think i am crazy.
my parents, who love z like a son, have been supportive and helpful.
my semester is stimulating and an excellent distraction from a heavy heart. i am excited, i am enthused, and there is a newness and freedom in my life that has nothing to do with any of this.

i have a heavy heart for the one i am hurting. please pray for him if your outlook allows it. and for me that i will be gentle, but not too gentle.

Comments

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[boztopia.livejournal.com]

Oh, man. I am so sorry. I had no idea.

If you want to talk, you know where I can be found. I hope things go well for you. *hugs*

[ashoe.livejournal.com]

I thought so, when we didn't see you - mad love as always, and take it easy on yourself.

:hugs:

We're around whenever you need us.
~a

[doc-rorshack.livejournal.com]

*HUG*

[keisolo.livejournal.com]

There is wisdom in what you asked for here.

[2eclipse.livejournal.com]

thanks.
you must have a strange impression of me having gone back through all my posts.:) i seem to myself to post when i am very happy, very sad or have done a lot - so i imagine i come of as a manic depressive busy-body, but you would know better than i.

i have read enough plato to see wisdom always as "a becoming" and never as "a being," but it is a becoming i desperately long for. you have given me a nice compliment.

[keisolo.livejournal.com]

I tend to figure one gets the extremes when someone doesn't post everyday.

As far as impressions go, I'll let you know when I've finished forming one. So far I know I've enjoyed "talking" to you. So...

And yes, at least as far as my opinion goes, wisdom is a becoming. However, the flares of it show even if the process could be considered to never be complete.

So - you're welcome, I suppose is the correct response, it was meant as such.