(no subject)

eight to ten inches on sidewalk today.
it just started snowing again.

church

i'm fasting for lent.
at home and with my girls is where i feel the love of God these days, not at church.

i'm having such trouble with my church right now that i don't feel connected to the love of God at all there right now. i've thought about writing to the senior pastor, but he has already talked to me about my personal issues with him. he is a stumbling block for me in his lack of welcome to communion. he has heard me and does not seem to care. what he says is that, "i just don't understand why anyone would want to come to communion who didn't want to know christ better." i look at my younger self, who had no understanding really of why christ was important and say, "it doesn't matter if you understand or not. it only matters that the table be open unconditionally. completely unconditionally. God puts no conditions on his love for us." and the congregation wants me to fit their minnesota mold where nobody shares their nastier selves in favor of pretending they are all good christians. christ was the only good christian. everyone else just tries.
i am having trouble belonging to a church that doesn't help me feel like i belong. i resent the idea that some of my feelings are 'not okay" there and that they have no tolerance for the darker side of human nature. to me that means they deny their own sinfulness.
i went and joined choir for a while to try to get to know people better.
the choir is pretty good musically, and they do interesting music. but they are all made of stone.
there is no sense of community between the choir. or if there is, i'm shut out of it. the people who like me still keep me at arms length. they come and say nice things like, "heather i'm so glad you're here." but i know that they have no idea who i am. and that's really the problem in general. i think the church doesn't know me and doesn't want to know me, except for maybe 3 or 4 people. and that's not enough for me. i want to feel like i have friends in church. i want to feel like there is real caring that doesn't shrink from real feelings and knows and understands that God has a sense of humor. i blame methodism and i blame minnesota and probably myself for not being more charming and wonderful. and yet God is supposed to love you when you are not charming and wonderful. and a methodist church in minnesota is what i want.
there are a lot of things i like about my church. i like how progressive it is. i like that it does a lot. i like...maybe 4 or 5 people there who i feel have let me in. but i feel like they are all afraid to argue with me. how can the embodiment of christ be afraid to argue when there is so much to argue about?!
and i have this entitled idea like there should be a church within 5 miles of me that is good and real and full of discipleship.
i'm not ready to give up on this place yet, but i do not rule it out.

(no subject)

happy birthday aryaluna!
many happy returns to a lovely, vivacious woman who knows how to make all her friends feel special.