not quite ready for fantasy

too much real drama going on to be interested in making up my own for the moment.
some of you already know this, but i broke up with z this week.
it has been a long time in coming. things haven't been the same since i moved back to virginia.

seminary has changed me unimaginably in a year. in ways that please me. but z didn't take an interest in the changes. i have been talking to him about my fears and problems for about nine months, but neither of us took the issues as seriously as we should have. denial is a powerful thing. i am sorry to lose all that is wonderful about him. this has been the first successful relationship of my life and i still love him. but not enough to wait for him to change.
there are more details....but they are too personal to talk about in a blog.
suffice to say that i am in a bit of a limbo state right now trying to get z to accept that i really do mean it. and trying to treat him decently. he is a good man and a real catch for the right girl.

the rest of my life is joyful. friends i hadn't even realized i could count on have reached out to me. old friends that i did know i could count on have given me sound advice in ways that haven't scared me or made me think i am crazy.
my parents, who love z like a son, have been supportive and helpful.
my semester is stimulating and an excellent distraction from a heavy heart. i am excited, i am enthused, and there is a newness and freedom in my life that has nothing to do with any of this.

i have a heavy heart for the one i am hurting. please pray for him if your outlook allows it. and for me that i will be gentle, but not too gentle.