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everything is squared away for my graduation.
the regalia is ordered.
the payment plan is put together (and mostly finished)
the transcripts are sent and accepted at wesley.
and my folks have agreed to drop a quarter by the library.
ross and i paid my library fines, but apparently they decided to charge me interest at the last moment. it would cost us more to mail them a quarter than the quarter itself.

i had something of a disturbing day yesterday.
first it was snowing. on easter. i'm not a fan.
second, ross failed to understand that it was important to my happiness that he go to church with me on easter and xmas. i don't ask him to go with me most of the time. he has his own faith and i respect that. but we didn't communicate adequately and he wished he had gone with me later.
we DID have an excellent theological discussion afterward...but it was an upsetting one for me, because sometimes he knows me better than i know myself. he thinks i need a church that is a spiritual haven, not some place i have to fight to get accepted. sure any church i belong to is going to have difficulties, but he doesn't like the energy at white bear and thinks i shouldn't have to go in already fighting. no matter how much i like the associate pastor, that doesn't change the attitude of the congregation....and i mostly agree with him and that hurts some.
he thinks i am trying to be everything and am therefore not getting my spiritual needs met. he is probably right.
i also missed my parents and that made me mad. i feel like i am encouraging my mother every time i admit that i miss her. it is a problem.
my windsheild broke on my car and while it IS 100% insured it still sucks to have to deal with it.
i'm worried about madeleine because she seems...just not her self. not as pesty and demanding. then this morning i discovered a bump on her gum. i wonder if it is an absess. i am going to make an appt. with the vet for her.

my jeans ripped, which means i need to buy new jeans, which got me thinking about clothes shopping and how i don't like how i fit in clothes right now...
really, there was just a lot of small stuff making me grumpy. i got over it..but then it got worse.

ross and i watched a movie that really upset me. a perfect world with kevin costner and clint eastwood. the first part of it was great, but the last part of it was so...human and painful and it really wrecked the happiness of the first half of the movie. i wound up upset all over again and it was more work to get myself out of it. i couldn't get that sad, upsetting ending out of my head. it was too real. and i couldn't do anything about it. i have the best, most understanding husband in the world. he gave me the space i needed and the affection i needed and then we enjoyed the rest of the evening together...

my dreams last night...reflected the movie, and my worry over madeleine...and the child of some friends. the re-occurring theme was that i was responsible and bad things kept happening beyond my control. from cedar ending up alone by himself in my parent's basement with the lights out to 15 small helpless cats outside my house with no one else to feed them....it was not a good sleep situation last night.

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It's hard enough to find a secure place to be yourself, but to have to struggle to find that place makes is almost not worth it. You mind appears to have not slept at all, I find it can be helpful to write all the crap down before I go to bed, it clears out some of the junk. *hugs*

you are extra sweet.
this happens pretty rarely to me. i mean, yeah, i dream a lot. and i remember about 1/3 of my dreams, which i consider to be a pretty high percentage.
but most of them i enjoy. and have a certain amount of control over. i like the perspective they give me on what is going on in my subconcious. so while last night sucked...it was an anomoly. i used to keep a paper journal. i filled 4 books worth, but i ran out of time....i could make time, i guess..but there are so many other things i want to do.

i used to keep one of those hand-recorders by my bed and record my dreams as soon as i woke. i got a lot of cool in-depth stuff that way. but it took a lot of time, so i stopped. did you ever do something like that?

ross was making exactly your point about a secure place...
and mostly i agree with him...i just have this idea that i need to give my all to any situation before giving up on it. his point is that going to church is not my job - not my calling. and i shouldn't have to work so hard from the start. he would encourage me to go back and try to change things if i want to, but only after i am getting my spiritual needs met in some way so that i don't set myself up for failure by running out of "spiritual ammo". he is a very good man.
i miss my church in ardmore, pa. the minister reminded me of a leprachan...kind of a hunched irishman who smoked cigarettes like mad whenever no kids were around and was obsessed with storytelling. the adult sunday school was erudite and lively and the children's sermons were even better than the quite good regular sermons. i would like to find something like that again.
problem is that i am FIRMLY methodist. it is important to me. and there aren't as many methodists(or methodist churches) in minnesota.

I'm vaguely Methodist! I've been just about everything, but I would agree, the Methodists have a really open manner to them. I've been Lutherian (high school boyfriend - had a good experience until we broke up), Presbyterian (other boyfriend - also good experience, also broke up), Episcopalian (husband - still got him) and some other religions, mostly because I'm boy crazy. I will say this, I like the Episcopalian philosophy, they are also very open and free. When we got married, the priest who married us was a woman, who happened to be married to a Presbyterian minister and she told us about when their children were little. She was telling them about how Adam and Eve were free and naked, enjoying the Garden of Eden and her husband freaked out, because she shouldn't have told them they were naked. And let's not forget, the Episcopalians are really just the Church of England (Cake or Death?), so really, they can be fun.

I think my point, if you can call it that, is that there are good people in every church and God attends all those services because it says so in the Bible - "Where ever two or more of you are gathered in My name." Church is about hearing inspiring words spoken by someone you respect and feeling uplifted by your fellow parishioners and being uplifting. If you aren't getting that, you might as well sit at home and watch some television evangelist (I was going to say Jerry Falwell, but he's dead). I promise, promise, promise, the Methodist God is the same one in all the other Christian churchs. No one, especially Him, is going to hold it against you if you find a place of comfort, love and joy. That really is the point of His love, isn't it?

you are exactly right and i actually have a very ecumenical philosophy....
however in terms of what meets my needs? it is uniquely methodist.
i feel let down every time i go to a lutheran church (with my in-laws)and they've changed the words to my favorite hymns. it's not that i don't think God is the same or would be understanding. it is that _I_ am so thoroughly methodist it's hard for me to be completely happy in another denomination - even if i am somewhat happy. so what that means is that i will likely have to drive more than 20 minutes to find one i like. and i'm spoiled by being from an area with so many methodist churches that i pretty much had my pick within a very short distance. i want those hymns i'm familiar with. i want the cross central to worship. i want congregational singing with no cantors, and a focus on becoming more holy (which episcopals and other denominations may agree with, but don't emphasize as much as methodists do). really that's the thing for me. i want traditional music and methodist emphases in my worship services....i'm picky. and preferably no projection screens of any kind. the irritating thing is that even within your chosen denomination there's a lot of room for contemporary vs. traditional...blah blah blah.
there i'm done whining now.
:/

i think it is GREAT that you are so open-minded. when it comes to my friendships, i am too...but when it comes to worship, i have to do it mostly the way it means the most to me.

I am totally down with the music thing. I hate the Episcopalian hymnal...booooooring. I think my next venture into a new church with be Baptist, I can see myself swaying in the choir, I can get behind the witnessing thing too. I'm just way to enthusiastic for my own good.

I never really paid attention to your profile, I feel kind of dumb now, of course you know about God ;-)

bah, it's all good.
i think it's really great that you're doing some pretty heavy thinking of your own on these issues.
i find myself constantly fascinated by the tension created between respect for other people's beliefs and adherance without betrayal to your own. sometimes the best understanding of God comes from holding two seeming contraditions in tension with one another (for example the trinity vs. one God) rather than from trying to stick a firm label on things that puts understanding into one camp or another. it is never a bad thing to be reminded of that.
one of my favorite episcopalians is

vale797 who is a priest in tennesee and one of the scariest ventrue i know. :)

See I like the Episcopal hymnal, but I grew up with it. Your post interested me because I would love to find a church down here that I would like to attend. But have yet to find an episcopal one. I think the one the major problems maybe that I want to find a church exactly like the one a grew up with. I can't really put my finger on what that is but part of it is the youth services, and the community aspect. We would have St. Patrick's day event every year and big fall fair, things like that. Our minister (the man who married me was great) He could talk to adults about religon and he could talk to kids about religon. I have very distinct memory of him starting up a sermon holding up a Shera doll. At my wedding he incorporated Harry Potter. THere were just certain things that I liked about my church in MA that I would love to find down here in VA.

I have other issues currently with the Episcopalians, but that would be for another post. If I can ever word it right I will post it.

Much love to

vale797 one day I'll remember to friend him!

I have had a lot of time to come to think about this, a very long story short, I was raised in a Christian "cult", so I had a lot of reconcilliation between the things I learned as a child and the things that I experienced as a young adult and later. The one thing that has stayed with me all these years happened in High School, someone asked me what religion I was and I said "Christian" (which was really the only thing I could answer) and the girl looked at me like I was an idiot and said, "We're *all* Christians." I realized at that time that a) she was an ignorant twat and b) being Christian was enough for me.

My quest for spiritual growth through accepting that I cannot know everything, so I'll just look for the things I can understand and act accordingly. My job especially requires me to be more open to discussions on faith, since many of my patients face life and death decisions and I have to listen and affirm their faith without judging it or them. I'm not the one they have to face on the other side, so I'm sure not going to tell them their wrong on this side. Lots of time to think...maybe too much ;-)

sort of interrupting here - but what is it that makes you firmly methodist?

i think i only have big answers to this question.
a big part of it is that i think the UMC does music better than any other church hands down.
another part of it is their social justice creed (see below).
but a lot of it is that the UMC seems squarely in the middle for me. it is both sacramental and evangelical. it brings together many of the traditions of lutheranism, roman catholicism, anabaptism and calvinism - kinda like a mutt brings together the best qualities of the parents while an over-bred dog can get inbred?
also i like its trinitarianism, that it's background is firmly rooted in commitment to the poor even though it hasn't always followed that as it should, and that it isn't afraid to emphasize works, while still giving them second place to faith.
honestly, john wesley was a seriously worth-while guy. is sermons are brilliant, interesting and not over anyone's head. he was a man intensely interested in faithful life. if you have a chance to read some of his sermons from the library, i think you would get the feel for why i admire him.

We believe in God, Creator of the world; and in Jesus Christ, the Redeemer of creation. We believe in the Holy Spirit, through whom we acknowledge God’s gifts, and we repent of our sin in misusing these gifts to idolatrous ends.

We affirm the natural world as God’s handiwork and dedicate ourselves to its preservation, enhancement, and faithful use by humankind.

We joyfully receive for ourselves and others the blessings of community, sexuality, marriage, and the family.

We commit ourselves to the rights of men, women, children, youth, young adults, the aging, and people with disabilities; to improvement of the quality of life; and to the rights and dignity of racial, ethnic, and religious minorities.

We believe in the right and duty of persons to work for the glory of God and the good of themselves and others and in the protection of their welfare in so doing; in the rights to property as a trust from God, collective bargaining, and responsible consumption; and in the elimination of economic and social distress.

We dedicate ourselves to peace throughout the world, to the rule of justice and law among nations, and to individual freedom for all people of the world.

We believe in the present and final triumph of God’s Word in human affairs and gladly accept our commission to manifest the life of the gospel in the world. Amen.

From The Book of Discipline of The United Methodist Church - 2000. Copyright 2000 by The United Methodist Publishing House.

I quit going to church for exactly that reason.

I hold churches to very high standards and my inability to enforce those standards is the main reason I did not attend seminary.

I have, in my life, met a grand total of two people who I believe are fit to shepherd a congregation. You're probably the third but I can't honestly say I know you well enough to make that call.

Thanks for the heads-up on that movie though. Those things leave me totally wrecked for weeks.

I think last night was just a bad sleep situation in general. I feel like someone scrubbed my internal organs with steel wool and I'm still dizzy.

the truth is that i really think my faith life will always be lacking if i am not in a community of other christians. i believe that it is not enough to be faithful on one's one - one must be answerable to GOD. isolation encourages the arrogant presumption that one is doing all one can already. confrontation with other christians creates a situation where people can call me out when i'm not doing enough - or doing too much. moreover, it keeps me in conversation. even if i don't like the conversation, i believe it is good for me.
i understand your frustration. there are a lot of christians who don't act very christian. but i do believe it is good for me to submit myself to the observation and judgement of a community of them, even if i don't completely agree with them. i think the danger of my own arrogance unchecked is much more perilous to my soul. i trust God, but i don't trust myself. i am too familiar with my own tendencies to err.

i am flattered that you think i "might" fall into that category. i think i'd be good at it, myself. the reasons i don't get ordained are a)i believe in ordination by the Holy Spirit and i think it suffices b)i feel a strong call to ministry with people who have been wounded by the church, and i feel that if i were ordained it would be a barrier to my reaching those people and c) i have too much of a problem with authority.
my motives are not pure.

with movies: yeah, i think my willing suspension of disbelief is a bit too willing. i buy into a concept or characters and i just wind up feeling...too sensitive. i can't see horror movies at all. they have to REALLY be worth it.

Who are those two, out of curiosity?

I remember that night. Wasn't great for me, either.

I take it your mom is trying to get you to move back to VA, or somesuch?

I think you will find a church for you, but I agree that you need to really look for one. When you find one you think you like, I totally think you should let ross check the vibes. He's uncanny good at that sort of thing. :)

hugs to you, lovey

~a

P.S. I can't watch horror movies either. I can't take anything gross!

my mom is innocent of anything recent.
she just has a lot of affection for me. and she misses me. and she is completely incapable of hiding how much from me.
and this is 90% a good thing.
there have been a few occassions and one period of time (after i moved to mn) when i have felt dumped on and it was bad enough that i internalized it. so now i am rebelling against "my inner mom" that dumps "i miss you" messages on me whenever i admit to myself or anyone else that i miss her too. it makes me so angry that sometimes i won't do anything she suggests, just because SHE was the one who suggested it, but it isn't entirely her fault.

ross and i get the same vibes about the church...but they are almost all-important to him, where as they are only a factor for me. certainly i will want his opinion, but since he mostly never goes with me anyway? i will be making my own choice.

the movie i saw yesterday wasn't horror. it was just sad in a very real way that made me feel very helpless. i hate feeling helpless.

love to you and that redhead.

What's the count down to seeing your beautiful face? And I agree with the church - I do not believe in Literal translation & his family does - I've been having problems finding a church that meets my own mental qualifications - which are all silly but imho I just can't handle jeans in church ;).

may 9th through 17th i will be in town. :)

Yeah!!!!!!

I'd guess it depends on how much you want to/enjoy the basic fight to be accepted, or as a spiritual metaphor.
One of the reasons I quit looking for an "organized" spiritual haven a long time ago is that I have to fight enough in my day to day life and interactions, and if I am going to go somewhere to deal with my concepts of spirituality and the "god" (using quotations because thought I think our basic definition is similar, my usage is not that within Christianity) - I want to be able to focus ON THAT. In fact, for myself, I find the focus on it very important, if that is the entire point of the organization to begin with - and I, in the end, have found it near impossible, to find anything that is anywhere near a comfortable fit.
However - depending on one's paradigym and thoughts, the fight to get acceptance for whatever it is that makes one different may be half the point, if only from the perspective of opening a group or congregation or... 's collective mind to the new or different ideas.

Perfect World was similar for me. It was one of the only and the last movie that my "grandfather" and I watched together. We talked for hours about it afterwards, over whiskey (me) and cognac (him) - and it is one of the most strangely positive memories I have of him. It helped to explain/touched on some of the differences in our experience... which made the conversation all the more odd, and deeply meaningful in the tangents it provoked.

*sighs* Been out of touch too long.

i haven't seen perfect world. guess i'll have to check it out. i'm interested in what you remember about your grandfather. mine has always lived far away, but i have lots of memories of him.

i think i am not understanding all of what you are saying about what you are looking for in a faith community. so many pronouns i'm not sure which applies to what. but i AM interested.

okay blatently not true about perfect world, since that's the movie i posted about in the first place. scratch that.

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