2eclipse | (no subject)

everything is squared away for my graduation.
the regalia is ordered.
the payment plan is put together (and mostly finished)
the transcripts are sent and accepted at wesley.
and my folks have agreed to drop a quarter by the library.
ross and i paid my library fines, but apparently they decided to charge me interest at the last moment. it would cost us more to mail them a quarter than the quarter itself.

i had something of a disturbing day yesterday.
first it was snowing. on easter. i'm not a fan.
second, ross failed to understand that it was important to my happiness that he go to church with me on easter and xmas. i don't ask him to go with me most of the time. he has his own faith and i respect that. but we didn't communicate adequately and he wished he had gone with me later.
we DID have an excellent theological discussion afterward...but it was an upsetting one for me, because sometimes he knows me better than i know myself. he thinks i need a church that is a spiritual haven, not some place i have to fight to get accepted. sure any church i belong to is going to have difficulties, but he doesn't like the energy at white bear and thinks i shouldn't have to go in already fighting. no matter how much i like the associate pastor, that doesn't change the attitude of the congregation....and i mostly agree with him and that hurts some.
he thinks i am trying to be everything and am therefore not getting my spiritual needs met. he is probably right.
i also missed my parents and that made me mad. i feel like i am encouraging my mother every time i admit that i miss her. it is a problem.
my windsheild broke on my car and while it IS 100% insured it still sucks to have to deal with it.
i'm worried about madeleine because she seems...just not her self. not as pesty and demanding. then this morning i discovered a bump on her gum. i wonder if it is an absess. i am going to make an appt. with the vet for her.

my jeans ripped, which means i need to buy new jeans, which got me thinking about clothes shopping and how i don't like how i fit in clothes right now...
really, there was just a lot of small stuff making me grumpy. i got over it..but then it got worse.

ross and i watched a movie that really upset me. a perfect world with kevin costner and clint eastwood. the first part of it was great, but the last part of it was so...human and painful and it really wrecked the happiness of the first half of the movie. i wound up upset all over again and it was more work to get myself out of it. i couldn't get that sad, upsetting ending out of my head. it was too real. and i couldn't do anything about it. i have the best, most understanding husband in the world. he gave me the space i needed and the affection i needed and then we enjoyed the rest of the evening together...

my dreams last night...reflected the movie, and my worry over madeleine...and the child of some friends. the re-occurring theme was that i was responsible and bad things kept happening beyond my control. from cedar ending up alone by himself in my parent's basement with the lights out to 15 small helpless cats outside my house with no one else to feed them....it was not a good sleep situation last night.

Threaded | Flat

It's hard enough to find a secure place to be yourself, but to have to struggle to find that place makes is almost not worth it. You mind appears to have not slept at all, I find it can be helpful to write all the crap down before I go to bed, it clears out some of the junk. *hugs*

I quit going to church for exactly that reason.

I hold churches to very high standards and my inability to enforce those standards is the main reason I did not attend seminary.

I have, in my life, met a grand total of two people who I believe are fit to shepherd a congregation. You're probably the third but I can't honestly say I know you well enough to make that call.

Thanks for the heads-up on that movie though. Those things leave me totally wrecked for weeks.

I think last night was just a bad sleep situation in general. I feel like someone scrubbed my internal organs with steel wool and I'm still dizzy.

I take it your mom is trying to get you to move back to VA, or somesuch?

I think you will find a church for you, but I agree that you need to really look for one. When you find one you think you like, I totally think you should let ross check the vibes. He's uncanny good at that sort of thing. :)

hugs to you, lovey

~a

P.S. I can't watch horror movies either. I can't take anything gross!

What's the count down to seeing your beautiful face? And I agree with the church - I do not believe in Literal translation & his family does - I've been having problems finding a church that meets my own mental qualifications - which are all silly but imho I just can't handle jeans in church ;).

I'd guess it depends on how much you want to/enjoy the basic fight to be accepted, or as a spiritual metaphor.
One of the reasons I quit looking for an "organized" spiritual haven a long time ago is that I have to fight enough in my day to day life and interactions, and if I am going to go somewhere to deal with my concepts of spirituality and the "god" (using quotations because thought I think our basic definition is similar, my usage is not that within Christianity) - I want to be able to focus ON THAT. In fact, for myself, I find the focus on it very important, if that is the entire point of the organization to begin with - and I, in the end, have found it near impossible, to find anything that is anywhere near a comfortable fit.
However - depending on one's paradigym and thoughts, the fight to get acceptance for whatever it is that makes one different may be half the point, if only from the perspective of opening a group or congregation or... 's collective mind to the new or different ideas.

Perfect World was similar for me. It was one of the only and the last movie that my "grandfather" and I watched together. We talked for hours about it afterwards, over whiskey (me) and cognac (him) - and it is one of the most strangely positive memories I have of him. It helped to explain/touched on some of the differences in our experience... which made the conversation all the more odd, and deeply meaningful in the tangents it provoked.

*sighs* Been out of touch too long.