you will be assimilated....

[2eclipse]

so i finally gave in and paid for my account. if anyone wants to see what i looked like with short hair or as a piper, i put a couple pics up.

the credo paper is progressing. it is now edited and i am actually writing new material! thank you to everyone who has been so supportive n' stuff.
i can't decide if this whole ordeal is an exercise in manufacturing reality according to my whim....am i supposed to be describing christianity as i understand it to actually exist? or essentially creating my own denominational theology.....maybe i should just start the "church of heather" and have done with it, because what is ending up on the paper pretty much has gripes with every church i've ever visited or attended. was your experience like this too brian? i think a lot of people agree with me, but no one with my theology in its entirety.


i feel....transparent. like i'm not really here. half my heart is in MN and the other half i am forcing into my work so that i can pretend i don't hurt inside and out. i hate second-guessing every interaction i have with people....like i'm constantly trying to hide the fact that i can only half-way pay attention to anything that is not work or packing to move....or maybe it is just that those are the only things i don't feel guilty paying attention to. in anycase, i hope you all can forgive me.
i don't mean to be a lousy friend. in fact i am more and more conscious of how much i am leaving behind and grieving inside already. but i am only half joking when i say that the zombies have eaten my brain or that the squid-people have taken over. i don't feel like i have much to give, or that what i have to give is very human.


here's the funny thing.
whenever anyone asks me how i'm doing, i say "excellent" and i mean it. i am stretched, i'm taking lousy care of myself, i can't use the hot tub because my dad won't clean it and i don't have time to do it myself, i'm losing my fucking mind with work.....but i'm happy.

i must be a pod-person

Comments

[sheniver.livejournal.com]

You know your friends understand & would help out in anyway you would let us. Huge hugs & hang in there!

be careful what you offer.....

[2eclipse.livejournal.com]

i might take you up on it....can you take dictation? (evil grinz)
do you know anything about TANF?

Re: be careful what you offer.....

[sheniver.livejournal.com]

Sorry, I don't know anything about TANF but I can take dictation w/If you supply the key board. :-)

[lucifermourning.livejournal.com]

::hugs::
i can sympathize very much with the missing sentiment, though i'm used to it at that point. but it comes gnawing at the most unexpected moments. and whenever i'm not actively doing something else.
but the statement made me giggle because my boy's name is also ross--so i really do have the exact same thought all the time!

THAT is hysterical!

[2eclipse.livejournal.com]

i didn't know your man's name was ross!!!
ross what? that's so great!

i wish i HAD gotten used to it. not sure that's possible for me without negative side-effects like being less invested in the relationship.

on the bright side of things i have had a REPRIEVE!!! (insert invader zim yelling).
my ethics prof. canceled class for tomorrow. more time for the papers:)

Re: THAT is hysterical!

[lucifermourning.livejournal.com]

ross howard.
if i hadn't got used to it a little bit i would completely disfunctional.
though the gnawing on the walls is getting particularly bad atm cuz i get to see him in less than 2 weeks! *dances*
imaptient me!
after nearly a year of being apart i've learned to savor the time together, the time on the phone, the e-mails, everything, and restrain most of my impulses to go crazy from missing him.
the solution is to be really, really, busy, as far as i can tell.

[zankoku-zen.livejournal.com]

*muah!*

i don't mind since you are going to be with your "twue luv". and that's what makes you happy. and yes, i will miss you but i can look beyond my own selfishness.

i know some things about TANF. its hard to discuss public policy, esp. in feminist class, with out discussing TANF. or ethics. or education. anyway...

[2eclipse.livejournal.com]

i am writing a paper on TANF and the requirements for its education programs....for (you guessed it) my ethics class

[zankoku-zen.livejournal.com]

if you need any help, hit me up with an email. i'll see what i can dig up for you. or harass me when you see me online.

sappy.....

[mirage897.livejournal.com]

I so enjoyed our conversation at Brinkleys when we were trading boyfriend notes. Just out of the blue, in the middle of an IC interaction, you pulled me aside to talk about our real lives and stuff that is important.

You listened with impressive empathy and provided me with some good insight. I really felt like you reached out to me at that moment and it made me feel really good and really special.

So, I am not sure if you were feeling 100% well then and now things have radically gone downhill, but it seemed to me that what you gave me last Monday was anything if not 100% human (did I get that double negative right...? :) )

Re: sappy.....

[2eclipse.livejournal.com]

you comfort me darlin'
it's not that i don't care...it is that i feel distracted all the time and think that other people will not feel cared for. for example, that particular night, my inability to stay in character was a resistance to adding yet another level of effort onto my life.
:)
but if i'm not coming off as an asshole that's great!!!you ARE special. you deserve to feel understood and cherished by your friends and loved ones.