2eclipse: (Default)
...but this is sheer genius!


i stayed home yesterday.
sometime tuesday night my stomach went on strike.
i called in at 6:30 and slept til 1:30. i must have really needed it.
i haven't thrown up yet. i hold down food. i just feel queasy all the time.
it sucks.

good for knitting. bad for me in general.
2eclipse: (geek)
i simply cannot express
how happy i am that the national inquisition is once again at large.

see there's this guy named allan piper, who some of you may remember from high school. allan is, in the simplest terms, a genious in every way. he re-wrote hamlet in the style of dr. seuss as a one-act play in high school. he and i took vocal lessons from the same teacher and he always had these AWESOME songs....like the hippopotamus song from flanders and swann.
and he wrote and produced the national inquisition, a zine with WAY more wit and imagination and saavy political humor than anyone has any right to at age 17/18. allan made up interviews to find out exactly what bo knows, cast baby crocodiles in the guise of soviet coup members, critiqued bush and clinton policies and came up with a yearly fall fashion feature. it was brilliantly funny. i still have a copy of the originals from 1991/1992.

read it. enjoy it. love it.
2eclipse: (brainy chic)
This particular Sunday sermon... 'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'
2eclipse: (geek)
because it was too damn funny not to re-post.

shimmergreen said:
I hate zombies.

They dig around my yarn, lookin fer brains, and drop bits of rotted flesh into my stash.

Their breath freakin STINKS and is very annoying when I’m trying to knit/crochet and they’re looking over my shoulder – in search of brains, no doubt.

I’ve tried to use zombies as a swift when I’m winding yarn on my ghetto nostepinne (a size 35 plastic knitting needle), but they don’t have a very long attention span and start shambling around in search of brains, tangling my yarn.

My cat hates zombies, too. She has a sensitive nose.

If they can’t find any brains in my house, why oh why don’t they GO AWAY and look somewhere else?

Dang zombies.

diastelo responded with:
Well, I heard if you leave out a little bowl with some beer in it, the zombies will climb into it and drown. Or was that slugs? I don’t remember, so the distinction can’t be that important.

Whatever you do, be strong and resist the urge to mail away for pirates or ninjas to drive away the zombie infestation. I know the ads make it sound like the perfect solution, but they multiply like crazy, and soon you’ll be worse off than before.

Some solutions you might try:

Join Mensa and offer to host the next meeting of the local chapter at your house. Plenty of brains for everyone! The sated zombies should be easy to dislodge.
If the zombies have already split into rival factions, drive a wedge between them with some quiet asides and the occasional rumor that can’t be traced back to you. With any luck, they’ll eat each other’s pitiful excuses for brains. Unfortunately, there will probably be at least one survivor, but he should be far easier to handle. For one thing, he’ll probably have put on a few pounds around the middle, making him far more sluggish.
Hire an exterminator. Try to be vague on the phone. I’ve noticed that many of these so-called professionals won’t show up for the free quote if they understand the scope of the problem. It’s shameful, really. No pride in the profession anymore.
Call up your local vampire hunter chapter and ask if anyone’s been sidelining in zombie beheading. If they don’t have someone on hand, they may be able to give you a referral.
2eclipse: (geek)
MATH GEEK JOKE:

All of the functions are at a party. Everyone’s dancing and having a good time except for e^x, who is sitting by herself in the corner. x^2 comes up to her and says, “Hey, come integrate yourself into the party!” e^x shakes her head forlornly and says, “It wouldn’t make any difference.”

MUSIC THEORY GEEK JOKE (This one is INTENSE. You better be a music theory monster. Try to keep up! :-p):

C,E-flat and G go into a bar.
The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors”
So E-Flat leaves and C and G have as open 5th between them.

After a few drinks the 5th is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying,Excuse me, I’ll just be a second”

An A comes into the bar but the bartender is not convinced this realtive of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-Flat hiding at the end of the bar and excalims, “Get out now! You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in the bar tonight.” The E-Flat is not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender who used to have a nice coporate job until his company downsized, says, “You’re looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development.” This proves to be the case as the E-Flat takes off the suit and everything else and stands there au natural.

Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror he is under a rest. The C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrong doing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
2eclipse: (brunette)
Author unknown

Bush is my shepherd; I dwell in want.
He maketh logs to be cut down in national forests.
He leadeth trucks into the still wilderness.
He restoreth my fears.
He leadeth me in the paths of international disgrace for his ego's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of pollution and war,
I will find no exit, for thou art in office.
Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy media control, they discomfort me.
Thou preparest an agenda of deception in the presence of thy religion.
Thou anointest my head with foreign oil.
My health insurance runneth out.
Surely megalomania and false patriotism shall follow me all the days of thy term,
And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement forever
2eclipse: (annoy)
A lady bought a new Lexus. It cost a bundle. Two days later, she
brought
it back, complaining that the radio was not working. "Madam", said the
sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic.
All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will
hear exactly that!" She drives out, somewhat amazed and a little
confused.
She looked at the radio and said "Nelson." The radio responded,

"Ricky or Willie?" Soon, she was speeding down the highway to the
sounds

of "On the road again." The lady was astounded. If she wanted
Beethoven,

that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it. Suddenly,
at a traffic light, her light turned green and she pulled out. Off to
her right, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a small sports utility
vehicle speeding toward her. She swerved and narrowly missed a terrible
collision.

"Asshole", she muttered. And, from the radio............

"Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States....."
2eclipse: (1ring)
nice day.
slept in.
did some studying over coffee w/simona, burnt some cd's....now all i've got to do is find the shampoo so i can bathe the cat.

spoof thing [livejournal.com profile] sunmother sent me:
Official Announcement

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

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