Feb. 2nd, 2009

2eclipse: (Default)
i made it back to mn and realized that there are no songs to sing about this area, state or cities. or at least i have never heard them. this is a crying shame.
new york has songs, philly has songs, new jersey and alabama and georgia and west virginia have songs, lots of cities in california have songs, st. louis has songs. chicago has a whole damn musical. there should be at least one song for this area.

going to chicago was very good and i'm glad i did it.
my grandpa is doing better than i thought. his eyes were bright and his humor was good and he ate quite a bit while i was there. he speaks only in a whisper due to half his throat being paralyzed, and he walks with a cane, but he hasn't given up on life and has high hopes for the treatment he is getting today. i am pleased and releaved that i don't have to plan on him dying soon.

and i think it was a good thing for the family in general that i was there. not that i did much besides make soup for grandpa and keep him company, but it was a healing thing that i (and my folks for that matter) showed up and proved our investment in the family. it was a weekend about duty.
i have mixed feelings about duty to family. part of me feels like things done only for the sake of duty are hollow, and that duty traps people with guilt in ways that are unhealthy.
but part of me feels like doing things out of duty alone can be a good thing. something to be proud of. something that builds character through doing the right thing even when it doesn't feel fun, or even especially about love. sometimes love is an ACTION, not a feeling....and it is okay for that to be all you have to give. we can't always choose how we feel, but we can choose what we do. our actions, our attitude....and duty can be an important way of showing love in a way that has the power to change us - even if we don't go into the act feeling loving. like i said....mixed feelings.

it was wonderful to see [livejournal.com profile] skia and [livejournal.com profile] pbergson. pam is possibly the best hostess ever. i am NOT used to having coffee preparations left out for me the night before. i had a nice time hanging out with them during the brief time we had together when i wasn't in la grange or woodridge.

i also forgot to call ross and let him know i was in safe. and i left my phone in the car (i thought it was in my bag)and so when he called i wasn't there and he freaked out. i felt terrible for a lot of the weekend for scaring him. then i came home and found that he had put the tile up around the fireplace and put sub-flooring down in the main room of the basement. he astonishes me.

sometimes the world really socks it to me in ways that bring me face to face with my own hubris. it is an uncomfortable awareness that i value, but don't know how to hang on to.

also. i'm so tires i almost didn't come to work this morning. i am wiped in a way i can't even describe. i need a week of down-time.


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August 2009

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